Recently I had a conversation with a parishioner after Mass. After commenting on my homily, he asked whether I had heard the story of a young American Indian man who told his chief that he often felt conflicted. The chief responded, “That’s because you have two wolves inside you struggling for control. One is gentle, kind, compassionate, and loving, while the other is aggressive, restless, and prone to violence.” The young man asked, “Which wolf will win?” The chief responded, “Whichever wolf you feed.”
That’s often the question: “Which wolf are you going to feed?” Many of us experience the daily struggle of scrupulosity. It’s a demanding disorder, relentless with doubts and questions. It demands total attention as it robs us of peace and contentment. Eventually we begin to fear that the constant guilt and anxiety are normal, and hope of a life not dominated by scrupulosity begins to fade.
Scrupulosity is part of the second wolf the chief described. It’s a ravenous disorder that always demands more. It makes room for little else, its demands crowding out our healthier wolf. If we give attention to the healthier wolf, the wolf that helps us become more gentle, loving, compassionate, and understanding, the disorder seems to rage all the more.
But yet—and herein lies the challenge—we must learn to spiritually feed and nourish the wolf that scrupulosity is starving and ignoring. Feed not the loudest most demanding wolf, but rather the wolf that helps us be more gentle, loving, and compassionate.
How, you might ask, is this possible? How do you feed the healthier part of yourself and learn not to pay attention to the all-demanding disorder of scrupulosity? It’s not easy, but there is a path to living with scrupulosity without constantly battling it. Here are some steps along that path:
Regular reception of the Eucharist. Pope Francis says the Eucharist is “not a reward for the perfect.” It’s the sacrament that accompanies us and strengthens us as we grow and develop in grace. Feeling distant and unworthy of the presence of the Lord is a sign that we need to be nourished by the Eucharist, not that we should absent ourselves from the Communion line.
Regular reception of the anointing of the sick. People with scrupulosity need its healing power, and they fulfill the requirements for receiving it.
Disciplined or infrequent reception of the sacrament of reconciliation. Disciplined reception is following the structure agreed upon with your regular confessor. If you don’t have a regular confessor, go to reconciliation during the penitential liturgical seasons of Advent and Lent. During the rest of the year, limit confessions to occasions when actual serious sin—not the fear of sin—can be definitively discerned.
Disciplined reading of spiritual materials. People with scrupulosity need a highly structured and disciplined reading list. Older materials that don’t include current findings on the relationship between scrupulosity and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) are not helpful and can even be harmful, so avoid reading them.
Disciplined use of the Internet. The Internet is a helpful research tool, but it takes us into a highly unstructured environment where anything can be posted whether it’s accurate or not. The line between fact and opinion is often blurred. For people with scrupulosity, the Internet is often a perilous place. When you have a question, ask your confessor and/or spiritual director or a trusted friend or family member instead of looking it up on the Internet.
Actively feeding the healthier part of yourself is key to managing scrupulosity. The disorder is seldom cured, but many people learn to manage it and become healthier and happier. Each success story is rooted in the deliberate decision to actively nourish the healthy wolf and give less energy and attention to the ravenous wolf.
It’s a daily struggle supported by God’s abundant grace in good spiritual practice and disciplines.—Thomas M. Santa, CSsR