It has been my practice in the pages of the Scrupulous Anonymous newsletter to often refer to “impulsive thoughts”—those pesky thoughts, always unprovoked and unwelcome, never sinful—that are the triggers for the obsessive/compulsive rituals that follow. The designation of such thoughts as “impulsive” is accurate, up to a point, or at least descriptive. But, I have recently understood that these thoughts do not begin as impulsive but rather as “phantom” thoughts, which then quickly develop into impulsive triggers. What is the difference, and why is it important?
Experts in a variety of professional fields of study agree that a phantom thought is a thought that feels alien and unsolicited. Phantom thoughts often cause distress or a feeling of being overwhelmed. It feels like personal insight, leading the mind to mistake it for self-generated reasoning. Understood from this perspective, it is not difficult to understand why a scrupulous person pays attention to such thoughts, assigns meaning to them, and accepts responsibility for them.
A phantom thought is not self-generated, no matter what it might feel like. It is, in fact, generated by obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). A person who experiences a phantom thought is a target, a victim of the power of OCD and its ability to pretend to be something that it is not. Once such a thought has been generated, the inclination of the person who experienced the thought is to fix it, control it, get rid of it, etc.
Every response indicative of assuming some kind of responsibility for the phantom thought is counterproductive. Each action initiated in response to the phantom thought will quickly morph into what we understand as an impulsive thought. At this point, the mind generates the obsession and the compulsive response. Once the person recognizes and “claims” the phantom thought, it is too late to effectively manage what happens next; it is simply too powerful, and the ritual will play itself out. The key is to cut off the thought when it is still in the phantom stage—in other words, to recognize immediately that the thought is not your action but rather the action of OCD and to reject it immediately.
This might sound like an impossible task, but it is not. Timing is critical. If your timing is off, it will be impossible for you to reject the phantom thought when it is generated. On the other hand, a person can learn how to prepare for such moments, how not to respond, and how not to set into motion the trigger that sets off the OCD.
Therapeutic methods provide a person with the necessary skills to manage phantom thinking, to identify it for what it really is (not what it pretends to be), and to stop the anxiety produced by the thought, which feeds obsession and compulsion. Prescription drugs can provide a person with that single moment in time when managing the phantom thought is still possible. In my opinion, the effective pairing of therapeutic practice and drug therapy is science’s greatest contribution to our shared struggle with learning how to manage OCD/scrupulosity. When I first engaged in this ministry, more than thirty-five years ago, those treatment options were still very much in development.
For some readers, all of this discussion about phantom thinking, obsessions, compulsions, therapeutic applications, and drug therapy might be a little off-putting. It might seem as if there is too much emphasis on the science of scrupulosity rather than on the spiritual consequences and lived reality of a scrupulous conscience. I am aware of the resistance that some of our readers have to this kind of presentation. They want spiritual answers to what they understand is a spiritual issue.
Let me repeat what I often write in the pages of this newsletter. Scrupulosity is not a spiritual issue. It is a mental disorder that uses spiritual imagery, concepts, and definitions to mask its real destructive purpose. OCD/scrupulosity is about anxiety; the disorder could care less about the content it is using to generate the anxiety it requires. If you were to receive answers to all your questions, perfectly confess every detail of every sin, pray a perfect Act of Contrition, and perform your penance flawlessly and without distractions, by the time you accomplished all these tasks, your OCD will have abandoned your spiritual concerns and latched onto something else.
This is a very hard truth to accept. You might feel betrayed by this abandonment, but your OCD could not care less. It cares nothing about the energy, concern, and dedication you have in trying to complete your compulsive behaviors with the perfection you believe is required for relief. It is the ultimate betrayal, but it should come as no surprise to you. It has nothing to do with your faithful attention to detail. It has nothing to do with content. It is all about anxiety and nothing more.
The final cruelty, the ultimate cruelty, is this: As you read these words, and as you comprehend the meaning of what I am telling you, your scrupulosity is prepared with an answer that you will find almost impossible to resist—that is, without the power of God’s grace. It will make you challenge yourself: Yes, all of this could very well be true, but am I willing to risk everything— eternal damnation—for what he says? What if he is wrong? Then where will I be? It’s better to be safe than sorry.
The power of God’s grace is the only power that can bring you peace. The power of God’s grace—the safety and security of the loving arms of Jesus—is a more powerful reality than any phantom thought or compulsive action. Unfortunately, OCD makes the experience of God’s life and love seem so far away. It is not. It is just another lie that scrupulosity generates. Acquiring the skills to manage your disorder will bring the reality of God’s life and love more clearly into focus each and every day.