One common way that OCD/scrupulosity manifests itself is in the barrage of thoughts experienced by the scrupulous person. None of these thoughts are welcomed. They are often disturbing. They are consistently misunderstood.
To understand this kind of thinking, which we categorize as “impulsive thoughts,” it is necessary to review some of the things we already know and perhaps learn a new perspective.
First, remember this: Every person in the world, without exception, has thoughts that seemingly appear out of nowhere. Not a single person has ever been exempted from this phenomenon. Perhaps a highly skilled Zen master might have some kind of control over his or her thoughts, but a thought that would surprise even the Zen master can certainly occur at any moment.
That’s how it is with human beings. The difference between someone who is part of the general human population and someone who is part of the OCD/scrupulous population is not in their thoughts. The difference is that a person in the general population lets an impulsive thought go, while a scrupulous person grabs the thought, holds on to it, and ruminates over it. To further complicate matters, the scrupulous person tries to interpret the captured thought and figure out what it might mean, and therein lies the issue.
Interpretation of an impulsive thought—particularly from the scrupulous person’s perspective of a highly developed and nuanced categorization of sin produced by applying systematic theology to moral thinking—guarantees confusion and doubt. It also brings us directly to the concept of “diminished capacity,” which is itself a product of systematic thought in which there must be a definition for every detail. In this system, a person with scrupulosity, because of the disorder, will default to interpreting his or her impulsive thought as grave, serious, or mortal. The scrupulous disorder diminishes the person’s capacity to accurately and authentically interpret what is going on; in the process, the person defines something impulsive as the occasion of sin or even as sin itself.
Moving away from diminished capacity, which provides the necessary and useful context, we need to consider two other facts: 1) You are the witness to impulsive thoughts, not the generator of impulsive thoughts; and 2) you do not entertain impulsive thoughts; you are tormented by them. This is crucial to understand. Let’s look at these points in more detail.
First, you are just the witness to the thought that is generated. You have zero responsibility for any kind of impulsive thought, regardless of its content. In fact, you are the only witness to this thought. No one in this world or the next, besides you, has any clue that the thought was generated, has any insight into the content of the thought, or is capable of giving the thought any attention.
An impulsive thought is not the same thing as, for example, a prayer that you generate, identify, and direct, and that God receives. You are responsible for a generated prayer, but you are only the witness to an impulsive thought. Impulsive thoughts mean nothing until you grab them and give them meaning; even then, the only meaning you give them is that generated by fear and anxiety. In other words, you are not responsible for or culpable for impulsive thoughts.
Second, you are not entertaining impulsive thoughts; you are tormented by them. Nothing can change this equation. There is no progression of responsibility. You cannot go from tormented to ashamed to embarrassed to venial sin to grave sin to mortal sin! That is your scrupulosity at work. It makes you feel bad about things that are not sinful. This is a result of the disorder; it is part of the suffering. Again, the content of the impulsive thought does not matter; it is just a detail, not a description of responsibility.
It is very important to understand and learn to manage this experience. Your mind and your thoughts are where the action is. If you can learn to manage your thoughts and understand them, you are on the pathway to healing.
Management does not mean resisting thoughts. That is OCD. Management does not mean struggling to replace a bad thought with a good thought. That is OCD. Management does not mean categorizing and defining all potential ramifications of the thought for your next confession. That is OCD. Management does not lead to isolation, permission-seeking, or reassurance-seeking. That is OCD.
You cannot become totally free from impulsive thoughts. You are a human being, and all human beings have impulsive thoughts. All human beings have thoughts that make them ask, I wonder where that came from? All human beings have thoughts that might make them blush with embarrassment.
Thoughts come and go, like a river that flows past you. Learn to watch the flow and resist the urge to jump into the river and drag some useless junk to the shore. I have found it helpful to develop an attitude of wonder and awe. Instead of reacting negatively to my impulsive thoughts or becoming fearful and anxious, I choose to look at them with a sense of amazement. What the mind is capable of generating is remarkable. I also choose to think of my impulsive thoughts the same way I think about dreams I have. I have no control over my dreams. The best I can do is understand and accept that they are part of who I am as a human. I do not need to do anything else, and nothing more is required of me.